Taken with instagram
i’ve denied a letter but you send me a picture of your newly-shaved head. and a text smile. years of growth gone. at least i can worry about you a little less because you managed to smile in the photo.
as if this wasn’t hard enough on me. ending something i’ve had, been stuck in, found comfort in, been warped and defeated and broken by, for so long.
it’s hard for me to smile. there are moments when i feel like gravity is pulling the sides of my mouth to the core of the earth.
i didn’t let him give me the letter. i’ve been talking to everyone close to me and the consensus is that it would not help anything…i already know what would be in it. it would be a plea. i have let myself hear those things before and in the past i have always given in. i shouldn’t put myself in positions where i would lose control of the situation and get back on the merry-go-round.
but another consensus is that i may need psychological help and/or medication…i’ve been pondering this for awhile, but now that this option seems real i’m feeling scared that my mind is in a place where i feel like i need so much outside help. this scares the shit out me. i feel like i have a lot of psychological damage i need to work through, whether he, or myself, or others had some kind of role in creating a toxic situation where negative thoughts and feelings have flourished.
he wants to give me a letter. do i read it? i can’t stop myself…
this is already so hard, i can’t make it harder on myself…but what makes it harder? questioning, knowing, ignoring, obsessing?
will i feel like i have to say everything after he has taken the time to write down things he needs to say? i CAN’T put myself through that self-torture of “have i said everything?” “have a said the right things?” “does he need to know this, that”.
Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it.
“
| — | Amy Poehler (via katelizabeth) |
i want to get to the point where, if someone asks me how i am, i don’t feel like screaming out for help.
i went on a long run and that has been the best therapy so far. i’m so thankful i gave running a chance and gave myself a chance.
i’m back and there is less distraction from negative thoughts, but i really just need to give myself a break today. i need to give myself a chance in this area of my life as well.
i am so sad and i just want to be happy. i really, really hope i am headed in the right direction.
i wish my mind would give me a break because i am driving myself crazy.
what does a healthy relationship feel like? i’m so fucking confused right now. i’m scared of regretting my decision. i’m scared of being weak just because i want comfort and my old sense of “normality”. it does not make it any easier that so many of the things he has said and done in the past conflict with everything he told me yesterday. i have been so used to just moving past our conflicts, letting things slide, and allowing myself just to feel better without actually taking a deeper look at the problems and truly fixing them. but were they even fixable?
this is only day one and i already don’t want to feel like this anymore and i’m scared of the road ahead of me.
We had another blow-up, a drunken embarrassment. my parents got involved because i needed to get the hell out of there after losing access to my phone and keys. i usually try to keep them out of our shit because i’m afraid of the influence they have, but it happened. it is probably best that they know, but i have this immense fear that i’m doing some things because that’s what they want. but sometimes i stop and ask myself “isn’t this the same thing you want? haven’t you told yourself all of these things before?” this is so hard because i’m so fucking scared. i have been in this place so many times before, and i just want to make the right decision for me and the rest of my life. he’s not on the same page, we are never on the same fucking page with the state of our relationship. he begged for us to give it another chance. we have given in six years worth of chances…and this fucking sucks because i know we love each other. but how many times have i said love is not enough?
i’m scared. i’ve got support around me and i really fucking need it. i need to save myself.
